Pain of me

SATURDAY10/5/08

Where

I began in Lec Room C early in the morning. I have already been there and tried out some things with my technological equipment (ie beamer, sound, camera etc). It's a nice place.

What did you do first?

I started writing the script out from the book. I litteraly made notes of the book. I thought it would be great but when I tried it out I had two difficulties: (a) I couldnt remember it and (b) it was not having a coherent logic. I think Susan Sontag is having no logical argumentation, just doing automatic writing like me. Solution I've thought is to reassemble the text in a way that it makes sense to me and to learn it almost by heart or at least have a paper in front of me. In any case it's a lecture so I could have notes. But the notes should follow some logic so that people can understand what I am saying.

Picture of Woolf?
Well, I have'nt told you but there is a photo described by Virginia Woolf that I can't find anywhere. I have searched everywhere even in the Spanish National Archive (since it's about Spanish civil war), they are still searching but I have no luck in that I guess. I was very dissapointed in the beginning since it was the first picture of the book. THE FIRST???? I freaked out. Anyway, I took the decision to work with this limitation (yeah yeah very conceptual). So I decided to make "live" the picture". In fact it's a very interesting picture. Well why not? I tried out one or two things. I saw myself in the video and I discovered I need to change a bit the space.

Performance Lecture

Well now I am entering to my biggest trouble. I am not sure if I can manage do a solo that is so demanding. Because it's not only a solo. It's not only a performance. It's not only a lecture but a performance lecture. Anyway, I filmed myself today and discovered some things. (a) I can't sit down on the floor in a comfortable position. Lecturers never do. They have a podium . Where can I get one ???? IS there an alternative? (b) I am a fucking smart-ass bastard. I really mean it. I didnt know what I was talking about, I was just performing the knowledgeable. And I think I convinced myself in the video. That's good, but it would be better if I did know what i am talking about. (c) do I really need to do a performance lecture? It feels like a big risk trying to do all things at the same time. I could just try to enliven the photos of the book, maybe put them the one after the other. make a choreography. that would be easier. I already have 3 ideas. But why the performance lecture? Why make it so difficult. Deep inside me I say because that's what I LOVE... but will I be able to ??? It demands from me to be realllllly multitasky and intelligent. Am I that intelligent?

BORED

I start looking at the ceiling. beautiful. white. or grey it depends on the light. Was a very warm day today. I couldnt' concentrate. People are lying seminaked on the dunes of grass infront of Laban. I can see them from the balcony here. I might just go to to the Greenwich park and lie down too.

THE DECISIVE MOMENT THAT DIDNT WORK

After 1 hour of clearly not doing anything, I decided to watch back the video.

MULTITASKY ME :)

I have forgotten to be a space designer. I got so concentrated in delivering this lecture that I didnt even know what to say that I forgot about space creation. And the music was just not working the way I wanted. I need more rehersals. Should I divide the time of the rehearsals according to themes? like today I do music, tomorrow I do lecture, next day I do space? but it;s all about being together at the same time. It's about being effective, multitasky and autonomous... How would you do it ? I do still hope that it is possible. But I need to be good. How can I get better?

LAZY, distracted, bored, not focused

Well, then I decided I was too lazy to still go on working with the lecture, so I changed topic of work. I took my playmobils and tried to reassemble some pictures from 9/11. Was a nice success. While playing with them, I was just feeling soooo heavy and sleepy. I didnt have that enthusiasm of the kid. I thought I would. I always carry this idiotness with me... Why not today? was it because it was work ??? How can I get a kid again. Well I dont think I am an artist. I dont think like an artist. artists are creative. I was not today. I was just bored. already 4 hours of rehearsal and bored... wow... there you go... and now what ? quit? change idea? that's easier? just every day a new idea? no depth ??? yeah???

Oh well, sorry I am talking to myself.

Stranger in the studio

Anyway... I decided that I cant work anymore. I need some park. I was tempted, I was weak, yes I admit. I wanted to leave the space. And so I packed up my stuff. Right at that moment, Eleni called me and asked me if I needed any help. BRILLIANT. Althought I did want to go to the park, I knew I had to stay in. So, first we had some lunch and then went to the studio.

I asked her to first get familiar with the playmobil, then start making stories with them. then she had to pick up 4 photos from 9/11. Try to recreate them while still telling a story. It didnt have to be the 9/11 story. It would be better if it were something else. After 2-3 try outs, she ended up with an everyday story of all playmobils dying. I discovered many things while watching her doing it. I wondered. How can I set up tasks with Eleni and not with me. Well I do... but i never keep the,. I get distracted. Why with Eleni I had corrections to give her and not with me? Why I dont give corrections to myself ? Well I do but it's not as strong. They are based on what I felt the performance was looking like. and I hate videos. I literaly hate looking back to myself. Too narcisistic? no, i just feel awkward...

Aftermath

Hmmm... that's all. Maybe this email doesnt make sense. Maybe I should change the format. Please tell me what you need to read more. I might try doing that next time. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Now I am at home. Thinking of this email. Is this rehearsal? Well yes for me yes. Because I am trying to define a method, a device to work on my own. But being autonomous doesnt mean independent. I need you guyz.

And since being autonomous is because I believe it is an economic act, this email is also very economic. It doesnt take time or money to write me back. Waiting for your replies.